Ex`cru´ci`a`ble

Coldness sets in,
Fear becomes part of it..
As I lay here stripped of all dignity
Listening to the wheels of sorrow
Set in motion..
Solitude creeps in..

Question is why?

All this grief.. regrets and trampled dreams..

Is this how existence should be?

One of many questions left unanswered.

Hey yep im bck ..Again,yep, the same ol’ line.Cnt help it ya knw.
Anywayz comin 2 d point:-

1. Been a month since i left Msia.
2. Melb not so gr8
3. Miss Malaysian foooood ( im sure everyone dat left msia feels d same way,i share the pain.my fren..T_T)
4. Sudden freedom 2 do any crap i wan.. but~.. the crappy part is..i don wanna do any of those..how contradicting..shyte!
5. Everything closes after 5.30 n worse if its on winter..
6. People here basically float 0n beer..
7. Stuff..Expensive
8. Current Motive:
   - Score bigtime (i mean my assessment,i knw watcha thinkin Noty Noty!)
   - Get a freakin job (damn im lazy..reason y i need a job:2 shop!Books o yea! 0_o )
9. Missin my bro n sis (haih~ im cmin up dis june! get it?since im downunder..i need 2 come up..lame joke..I KNW~ but u knw wat ..ppl ere luv 2 make such joke *rolls eye*)
10. Luv my subjects Xcept Design system n services…wat shyte is dat !darn it !
11. My h/phone bill is charged sky high ..aiya~ wat nonsense..sms-in for 28bucks..ish
12. O did i mention i miss malaysian fuud.. o rite i did..lame joke again~(i need 2 grw up)
13. Whatelse do i like bout Melb? the cold weather? YEp! but d darn weather has an attitude problem..might need sum fixing..
14. Gr8 bunch of frens ere..  neva expected dat..
15. Still din do any partying.. I noeee~  how come im in melb for like a month plus n not party.. beats me..  just don feel like it~
16. I miss my dad n mum.. (if u had asked me dis question a month b4 i leave 2 oz i wud say nahh~~ i wudnt miss..but heck "take look at me now" *msn music note*)
17. U knw back in msia when the wind blows quite strong , my frens wud always ask me 2 hold on 2 sumthin b4 i get blown away..i wud jst laugh it off ofcoz, but den ere if dey say dat.. darn, dats just nt funny~ i’d probably really need 2 hold on 2 sumthin.. yep laugh all u wan..haih~
18. O n did i tell u..i do knw if u visited my page!  mayb  i forgot 2 mention dat lil piece of info…haha sucker! May u b my fren or d oppo or jst a random person passing me by..(n NO its not the anonymous viewin thingy..,im psychic..REALLY~ Wakakakakaka) but hey 2 those dat visit my page like everyday…man~ dontcha have any other better work?really..

O well im done ranting with my hearts content..N so ill cya Again..Soon i suppose..kinda bz with assgnmnts n all (arent i always am..tsk tsk..ran ran..i need a life)

Ciaoz !

-Ran-

After 5days of sleepless nite… finally i get 2 chill out awhile.. last thursday till monday was such a massive day.. stayed back in coll till 5 in d mornin.. everyday i seem 2 b comin back later dhen d day b4.. basicly me n my frens were preparing for an MSC animation pitch .. we were collaborating wift our college so dats y i get 2 stay back dat late in coll..i lost track of time n day.. n each day got more n more depressing for me as d stress took hold of myself..dhen when i tot things cudnt get any worse, i fell sick.. haih~ dat was sum week.. neway we were shorlisted into top 10 out of 48 contestants.. which is reallly gud.. especially since we were d oni college students 2 get choosen n d other 9 contestants were all top established post production companies..n we were basicly rushin against time coz we needed 2 do d presentation on monday 2 actually win a grant of 50k and we had only 4 days to prepare our animations n models+textures… anyway.. d day of d presentation finally arrived on monday.. n we neva had a decent sleep all dis while..so we all basicly went 2 cyberjaya lookin like wrecked boat.. we were supposed 2 b doin dis presentation in sum hotel named asian spa wateva hotel.. n man was dat place cool or wat..  when we arrived dhere.. d doorman opened dis huge door for me.. i was thinking whooaa i can get used 2 dis..hehe.. well anyway.. at d animation pitch dhere were all sort of companies.. all big tycoon post production companies.. got 2 meet lots of famous animators ..2d artist.. cartoonist..press n etc.. it was just gr8.. anyway.. d sucky part is we din make it for top 5.. but at dat moment.. i was feelin relief n abit dissapointed.. coz if we did make it 2 top 5..dhen id probably in more bigger n massive stress.. but ,i, for one thing m extremely glad that we actually made it 2 top 10 n were d oni student body between 9 other postprdtion company.. dat kinda actually sums us as d same level wift d ppcompanies..

after all dat lil havoc i went thru for d past few days..i came back n slept.. for 6 hours straight..n yesterday basicly bummed around..n had a chillin day.. 2day was quite a cool day.. woke up coz mum asked me 2 get sum stuff from d fed ex dude outside.. so still in my pjs had 2 run out 2 take wateva d fed ex dude was passin.. n 2 my suprise it was for my bro of all ppl.. his 1st parcel..hehe.. neway d parcel was from spore disney company.. he won sum cars movie competition.. lucky him.. he got a hugetoycar dat looklike lightning mcqueen..n it actuaallly says kacoooww!..hehe.. later in d afternoon went out wift mum 2 I0I mall.. so off we went..did sum shoppin.. got my self sum top from ethnic sense.. n bought my dad sum tshirt from snails..but damn i forgot 2 buy d most important thing  i wanted 2 buy .. i had my heart set out for dis really cool rainbow coloured watch.. it was pweety funky ..i like funky colours..dhen after all dat pigged out in kfc n went back..
O whow i cant believe it..in another 3 more weeks.. my course is over.. darn dat reminds me of my datelines.. Aitz gottarun ciao..

People
see you as an object, not as a person, and they project a set of
expectations onto you. People who don’t have it think beauty is a
blessing, but actually it sets you apart.
 -Candace Bergen

This quote plays a huge role in mylife.. i guess everyone has expectations set on u 2 live up 2..sumhow i think if its ure own expectations..dats fine.. even if its others who have expectations on u its totally fine..wats not fine is High expectations..when u start livin up 2 dat..u just seem 2 lose ureself in d process.. Many of us struggle with expectations..

“…dreams so often get confused with expectations …you end up aiming for the expectations instead of just living the life that comes to you…”

We expect d most n d best of everything.We r an affluent culture with many choices n many material possessions.We r a culture where individuals constantly compare themselves 2each
        other. We c others having or achieving things n we expect 2 have or achieve d best of whatever we c. D media n their advertisers 
promote these expectations – if u take this pill u will feel happy n have friends, if u use this mouthwash u will have a healthy relationship, or if u vote for d rite presidential candidate u will b free from d fear of terrorism. Expectations r an emotional trap. They set us up 4 failure, disappointment and ultimately grief. They get us in2 trouble with others n with our sense of self.There is always pros n cons.. so i wudnt say expectations is all dat bad..just as long as u don let it b everythin..

-ranz-
-^_^-

Back again.. haih..it had been quite a week..more like a roller coaster…England lost!!*sobs* i hate christinoR!!..urgh!!If i ever c him upfront..ill kick d life out of him(for real!)..dats 4 causin roo 2 b outofdgame n oso 4 betrayin ManU and changin 2 RMadrid…  Argn lost! *watd heck*  Brazil lost! *WHoa*.. okok me just like everyone havin dis wc fever dat neva seem 2 end.. haih stayin up late as usual 2 watch d games..n dhen sleepin till late afternoon..Dis world cup sucks!…tsk tsk.. Italy u guys better  win d wc.. haih..im tellin u.. i dunno wats d level of my Bp  whenever i watch tis games..i think im gonna die young!..

Ciaoz
-|Ran|-

Ok Fine i admit im a workaholic..yes yes i admit at last.. though i dont feel like i am.. a lil research i did n plus abit of a starter info from piggie helped alot.. i just cant help being liddis..coz its like i feel my entire life is like surroundin my work.. so every min every sec seems 2 count when im bored doin nothin but just warmin up d couch..n dat makes me restless coz i noe i can do so much more useful stuff dhen just wasting it..haih.. n my course aint helpin much either.. rushin against time 2 keep up 2 datelines..up into d wee mornings..n sleep till d afternoon sun shine pokes my butt thru d window..man~ my schedule is all screwed..ive practically no time for myself… or anyone infact..urgh .. i need a break..seriously..like a real holiday for once..n  i need for amonth atleast..yes A MONTH.. haih.. ive still have so much 2do..d end term is nearin..n here i am concentrating on one  Project..when i havent start d other 2 subjects project. Im so gonna die.. urghh.. neway..ill make it thru.. i always do.. havta stay on d bright side.. or im just screwed ..

ok so i did a quiz bout dis..n well dis is wat it sed bout me..

You scored 128 out of a possible 147.

Your score in this range means
your career is of major importance to you and you derive most of your
personal identity from it. Such a high involvement may mean that you
base too much of your well-being on your career, excluding other
important areas of your life.

Beware: Exceedingly high commitment
may make you susceptible to unacceptable self-imposed stress and
eventual burnout. Successful individuals who sustain their career
motivation maintain other interests besides work. These allow them to
develop a more balanced life, which results in fewer illnesses,
healthier relationships and steadier career achievement.

If you
scored above 115, you may feel like a victim of pressures, incapable of
controlling your time, energy and life. You need to learn to decrease
the pressures, workload and stresses you experience in your work. You
also need to explore how to make your time and energy contribute more
to your overall well-being.

neway  ere is a lil bit of info dat might help u 2 find out if ure workaholic..

R u Workaholic?Take d quiz 2 find out!

Are
you addicted to work?

According to a study conducted in 1998, the average American is clocking 44
hours of work per week, an increase of 3.5 hours per week since 1977.
Adding to those numbers, Americans are working more hours than workers in France
(39 hours) and Germany (40 hours).

Not
only are American’s working more hours, they are spending less time on
leisure.  The Economic Policy Institute states that Americans took only two
and one half weeks of vacation and holidays, which is less than workers in any
other developed country in the world. Would you believe that Germans workers
take an average of six weeks of vacation a year?  Are we becoming a nation
of workaholics?  Addicted to the workplace?  Take for example major
law firms, where 60,80,or 100 hours worked per week is commonplace.
Corporations suggest to their management teams the importance of doing
“whatever is necessary” to finish a project, even if that means working
14-16 hour days, seven days a week.

There are “hundreds of studies of alcoholism, substance abuse and eating
disorders…but only a handful on workaholism, Dr. Brian Robinson, an expert on
workaholism believes.  Overwork is this decade’s cocaine, the ‘problem
without a name.’”  The distinction between hard workers and workaholics
is narrowing,

Is there a payoff for workaholic behaviors?  Dr. Robinson notes there is an
emotional and neurological payoff because overworking produces an adrenaline
rush, which gives the workaholic a “high.” However, while the workaholic is
experiencing a high, spouses may be threatening divorce, valued employees may
quit because they can’t accomplish unrealistic expectations, and children may
be missing valuable time with their parent who is locked behind a desk or
computer.

What we are seeing in therapy is a huge number of spouses who are unhappy living
with workaholics.  They feel lonely and out of control.  They report
experiencing emotional unavailability from their workaholic spouse, as well as
being told that their concerns are not valid.  Spouses tend to blame
themselves for their confusion, report feelings of rage, depression,
helplessness, and abandonment.  Society’s affirming of workaholics who
strive relentlessly at workplaces to move upward in their careers adds to the
spouse’s confusion and turmoil.

Dr. Robinson’s “Four major styles of workaholism”

1.   Bulimic Workaholic: Either do it perfectly or don’t do
it at all.  The bulimic workaholic has trouble getting started on projects,
and has binges of work followed by exhaustion.  Beneath the surface, this
workaholic is suffering from low self-esteem, and worrying compulsively about
work, while blaming himself or herself for not doing it.
2.   The Relentless Workaholic: This workaholic loves tight
deadlines and believes it is better to start things too soon versus too late.
They don’t know how to say no, set priorities, or delegate workloads.
Generally these workaholics complete projects well before deadlines and work too
fast and many times carelessly.
3. The Attention-Deficit Workaholic: These workaholics get a rush from
new ideas and live on the brink of chaos.  They tend to gravitate toward
high-risk jobs and love to start lots of projects, but get too bored to finish
them.
4.  The Savoring Workaholic: This workaholic is methodical and has
trouble letting go of projects. This is the ultimate perfectionist who can’t
tell when a job is finished, fearing the result is never good enough.  This
workaholic creates additional work whenever they see themselves coming close to
the end of a project.

Do you find yourself in one of these categories or do you find yourself living
with one of these?

Here are some tips for recovering from workaholism.
The first step is awareness.  A
workaholic has to come to the realization there is a problem.
Recovery involves a transition to shades of
gray.  Suggestions include working one fewer hours a week instead of trying
to go immediately from 100 hours a week to a 40-hour workweek.  The changes
should be gradual and gentle.
Create a plan for balancing career, spiritual
needs, self-care, relationships and play.  Allow time for each element in
your life.  Actually plot out the hours of the day and set aside time for
each portion of your life to create a balance.
Plan time for relaxation.  Learn
breathing techniques, practice time management planning, make time for exercise,
or take an art class just for fun.
Consider working with a therapist who can help
you understand the psychological payoffs of your workaholism.  Find a
therapist who understands concepts related to “family- of-origin”
conditioning and workaholism, and has skills related to addiction recovery.
Set realistic goals that can accomplished and
then let it go
Plan a reward for accomplishments, which
include leisure activities.

Work Addiction Risk Test
(A shorten version of the WART inventory developed by Dr. Brian Robinson)
From the book ‘Chained to the Desk”

I prefer to do most things rather than ask for
help
I get impatient when I have to wait for
someone else or when something takes too long
I stay busy and keep many irons in  the
fire
I find myself doing two or three things at a
time, such as eating, writing a memo while      
talking on the telephone
I over commit myself by biting off more than I
can chew.
I feel guilty when I am not working on
something
Things never seem to move fast enough or get
done fast enough for me
I ask the same question over again without
realizing it, after I’ve already been given the answer once.
I spend a lot of time mentally planning and
thinking about future events while tuning out the here and now.
I tend to put myself under pressure from
self-imposed deadlines.

-Dr. Joy Miller-

Note: 11.40am

Haih.. sittin alone in cgi class doin wat?? bloggin! man im quite d lifeless.. but o well dats kinda cool neway..hehe..RIte~… anyhow..as i was goin thru page by page in friendster ..i came upon afew interesting profiles.. especially dheir blogs .. sum actually do put dheir heart n soul into writing dheir feelings out.. sum peepz wud b thinkin like man .. y r dhey even wastin time riting bout dhemselves..when no one else is readin bout dhem.. I say u could learn so much from it… sharin experience ..knowin ure on d same boat as dhem kinda makes u feel not alone in d world..or d times dat u wonder if anyone understands u.. so i think its a gr8 way of sharin experience wift others n it sure do improves selfesteem..

Well im twenty..someone once told me dat its just a phase where ure confused over wat u wan or wat ure feeling n bla bla…

Somehow dhey might b rite… but personally ..i dunno.. im still in doubts…

Wat exactly do i want 2 do in d future?

Uhm work in an established production comp or advert company…is wat i have in mind.. But yea definately awayy from home..away from msia.. somewhere no one knows me.. Y u ask? uhmmm ive nooo idea.. it just feels nice when ure in a place where u havto rediscover from scratch..it actually makes my life abit interesting.. New frens ..new culture..new ppl..new environ.. just feels gr8.. N yea wherever dat is shud b a cold country..i luv cold weathers..my best of times was in Japan on a homestay program..it was just whoaaa..i cud just live dhere forever..

Someppl when dhey come 2 a certain age..wud want 2 settle down..wift a job ,family,kids n etc..

which is quite d common i wud say..

but me..i dunnoo…i definately have no interest in dis kinda matters..i mean its not a Must rite.. i prefer just studyin n workin..n travelin..n learnin bout cultures..n arts.. which in d end wud make me a lone ranger..which i don really mind.. butdhen again i have 2 care bout other pplz(my family n etc) feelings oso ..parents..haih..dhey tell me…"Now ull say dis n dat..but in a few years time ull change ure mind.."

I highly doubt it… haih..if only dhey took me seriously..o well..parents will b parents..

I shud b finishin my dip in animation course soon..in like a few more months..woohoo!!..dhen o man..ill b rushin for uni application n visa n bla bla.. d thing is i cant send in any application just yet until i compiled my portfolio..or showreel..n yea dhere is also dat dreaded interview i have 2 go thru.. im pweety sure im gonna freak out or maybnot..hehe..

All dis seems months away..but heck..d time is runnin by like water.. bout dis time of d year, next year ill b in melb… yea earlier wanted 2 go NZ..but dhen im changin my majors for a more secure pathway into d workin world n oso coz i prefer d other major..

Uhmm..suddenly im havin an urge of a totall makeover..hehe.. yeap cut my hair short n changin my fashion appearance.. more into a sk8rgurl kinda look..Oman..dad is soo gonna freakout..hehe he doesnt like me cuttn my hair short.. o well we will c ,,we will c….when he goes offshore or wat..im gonna get it done..hehe..

yea i cud b really bratty..n yes someone told me Im very bratty..*winks*..i don care i luv bein bratty..hehe

Ok mayb not anytime soon im gonna do dat makeover..no time wor.. currently doin a 30min showreel which is gonna take months 2 finish.. yep stayin back late in coll n watsoeva..its gonna b such a long year…or so ill feel..

anyway.. im not so sure i made any sense ere..but dhen again im sure i did on certain issues..

O well i better do sum research on d project im workin on now..

-Ran-

Uhm do u c da similarity between da word S A N T A   &   S A T A N  ??!! haih~

Ok dis is another article i found on da net.. written by sum diehard christian followers(no pun intended)..have a go @ da article ureself..ull noe wat i mean..

Freehold, Iowa - Satan’s evil plan has created jobs for hundreds of thousands of old lecherous pedophiles throughout this Godly country every December.
These filthy homeless hobos just lay on their urine-stained cardboard beds 11 months out of the year,
dreaming of Christmas when they can drunkenly traipse into the warmth of departments stores and have
innocent little Christian children sit on their vermin-infested laps. Unwary parents happily snap
pictures while Satan’s obesely wheezing drunks ask their children whether they’ve been "bad" and
whisper lewd suggestions in their angelic little ears with their filthy booze-breath and cigarette-discolored lips.
How many unsuspecting tots have suffered a quick grope before Satan’s little helper moves on to the next hopeful
child in line?

So talk to your children before it is too late! Tell them that Santa is no kindly old man; he is an evil demon. And next time your family sees some propped up gin-soaked vagrant in a Mall wearing a red suit with white furry cuffs, set a good example and witness for the other deluded people waiting in line. Loudly, rebuke him! Announce to all the children in the store "Not only is Santa a lie, he will ravage you sexually, drink your blood and drag your palpating carcasses down to Hell with him!" It is only through setting a good example that we can put the Christ back in Christmas.

Aitz back again..neway was surfin when i found dis reaallyyy cooolll kim possible look alike heels BUT painfull ..im mean reaaallyyy painfull looking hEelsz..i noe guys wont b interest lookin @ heelz but man dis u GOTTA c… n gurlszz…. heelz r just KillIn…

check da link out -> http://www.punitiveshoes.com/index_en.shtml